Today I struggle to reveal my humanness, my warrior wants to step in and protect. The fires in my eyes ablaze, my tongue sharp, my edges harsh. Sitting amidst my closedness I see how far I have come, how unnatural and uncomfortable I am in this darker space. I am she who opens and feels it all, one who is committed to transparency, a space of truth. All beautiful and natural and also yucky and harsh at the same time. I am all of it. Trusting to keep my heart open in the safe spaces and knowing the times to shield.
Thus far I have talked about the beauty of our close knit community, today I share that being so intimate and energetically close is not always easy. There are struggles like any family group and as a conscious community we endeavour to work through them. Mostly we move through and other times we are stopped by deeply etched ways of being. I write this after many tears shed, tears that resided in a place I had not yet visited. I was overwhelmed by a feeling of not belonging. This is amongst one of the most destabilising feelings as innately it is kinship and safety amongst my people that I require. I can see that unconscious survival instinct that kicks in, that wanting to put the walls up, shut others out and keep safe. In the moments when those old stored cellular memories are triggered it feels rooted and reactive. Those walls I'm learning are the pain, shutting down the heart and connection is the ultimate loss.
Rather than my usual process of keeping to myself, I called in my trusted soul family, I cried, I was angry, I laughed, all of it. My sisters and brothers held me and loved me. I had days of soaking up the love and 'really' getting how part of clan I am. No matter what comes up, even my urge to push away or my reaction to flee, my tribe is there. I am clear that if I did run, my people would be right behind! The old stories of not belonging can no longer survive in this new world, in this new space of truth.
I was held by my loves in a safe space, I was able to move far from the old hurts and the illusionary pain. The celestial gifts of the past many days were the reminders of how seen and cherished I am. When I am sitting in the dark it just takes an ember of connection with my loved ones to reignite the fires.
I have always loved the idea that you are the sum of the 5 people you spend your most time with, what a glorious reflection: This thought takes my breathe away as I think of the beautiful mirrors I am surrounded by. There have been times in my life where I have felt a sense of longing and loneliness. When you find those who get you, who you connect with and have a deep resonance with, life changes. Connection is everything, it is the sweetness, the nectar in life. We are connected beings, we thrive on love, touch and union.
Today I release the old, that which no longer serves, that which no longer fills me with light or life. I open to a safe, a held space. I let go of clinging, trying to make the unworkable work. I hold my temple sacred and allow in all that truly serves me on a heart level. x